It hurts. It hurts like hell. Never in my life could I imagine that in less than 24 hours, I could feel my entire world flip upside down. Watch time stop, yet move in a whirlwind. Fall in love so quickly, yet know something isn't right and have that love literally pulled from you. A love that never had a chance, would have never survived. Yet, somehow existed. People say God has a plan. There's a reason for this. And while I believe it, it's so hard to. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to have my time to mourn this love that never even had a chance. For a brief moment in time there was a baby, a growing baby. A baby causing my body damage by where it decided to call home. And I still loved her. I still wish I could have done something, anything for her to have been able to be ok. From ultrasound to surgery, I was numb. I don't remember much. I felt that I shouldn't become more attached to my baby, so I shut down. I pushed the world away. I wanted to hear nothing, say nothing, do nothing. Silence. That's all I asked for. Doctors asking questions. Family trying to provide support and comfort. I wanted none of it. I wanted to be left alone. Nurses asked multiple times what surgery I was having done. I realize it's their job, it's their policy. But me having to speak those words over and over again didn't get easier. Laying on an OR table in tears because you are having to tell the nurse for the third time that your surgery is to remove an ectopic pregnancy isn't easy. It's hard. It hurts. It feels like you are just laying there saying, just take my baby. Take the one that can't make it, the one that doesn't have a chance. The one that is potentially threatening my life, yeah take that one. I let the numb feeling last for a day, it was the easiest way to cope, just feel nothing. I just wanted life to go back to the way it was and I've realized that will never happen. A little piece of my heart will always and forever be with that baby. As a friend told me, the pain will dull, but it will never go away.  

So, now I'm faced with family and friends finding out. I'm ok with it. It's life and sometimes life throws a curve ball that quite literally hits you right in the gut. And it hurts, it's cruel, but some how we move on. People have been so kind and I know they mean well, but it's so hard to not burst in to tears when they ask how I am. I'm hurting. Period. That's it. I'm hurting so bad. Then comes the dreaded question, were you trying? Like if we weren't trying would the pain hurt less? Would I not have loved that baby as much? No, so what's the point. Small talk? Why does loss have to be so hard to talk about, such an awkward thing for people to just understand. I just want a hug and an I am here for you. No need to tell me you can relate or that at least you still have a chance of having another baby in the future. Those aren't things I need. I need time, time to hurt, time to mourn, time to cope, time to heal, time to realize that my life will still go on and I have a beautiful daughter who teaches me every single day what true joy in life is. 

10/22/14 I left the hospital with newborn baby Lana. 

10/22/15 I left that same hospital without my baby. 

Hands of a Mother

There's a tiny hand laying on my chest, so soft, so dainty and yet so full of life. She's asleep on my arms right now and I just can't put her down. The toddler years are just around the corner and I know these sweet snugly naps won't last forever, so I'm choosing to live in this moment and study everything about her. 

These tiny hands, they aren't as tiny as they used to be. Every day, they are looking more like the hands of a toddler, ready to play and explore in the world around us. I find myself wiping them clean throughout the day because they are bound to end up messy, between playing and independently feeding herself. But these hands, yet still so new tell a story. This thought prompted me to look at my own hands.  Have you ever just sat down and looked at your hands? Felt grateful for the things that have done, can do and are doing (typing this post). Our hands are powerful. I look at mine and as I see my daughters slowly turning in to sometimes slimy, dirty little toddler hands, I'm watching mine turn in to the hands of a mother. They are strong, though they are young, they are beginning to show the years of work they have done. These hands have changed hundreds of diapers, bathed a squirmy baby, rocked a fussy baby to sleep, helped guide a newborn baby to the breast, held hands as she took her first assisted wobbly steps. These hands have experienced so many beautiful moments in life. They are doing the same thing my mothers hands did, and hers did the same that my grandmothers hands did. We have all cared for our child, shown our child love as we slowly stroked their hair in the middle of the night, used them to play peek-a-boo, just to hear that sweet baby giggle. My hands are slowly turning in to the hands of a mother, powerful, light, and beautiful. I'm slowly turning in to a mother, it's not something that happens immediately. Yes, instincts happen, but truly becoming a mother means living the life of a mother, each day, each new experience opens a new meaning, a new sense of what motherhood truly is. 

"The hand of a bride becomes the hand of a mother. Ever so gently she cares for he precious child. Bathing, dressing, feeding, comforting-there is no hand like mother's. Nor does its tender care diminish through the years." 

-Thomas S. Monson

A Breastfeeding Blog Post

This week is World Breastfeeding week, I haven't taken time to really talk about breastfeeding on here, and I think it's time. 

Over the past 9 months, I have become passionate about breastfeeding, the benefits, the connection, what more could you ask for? Breastfeeding is natural, biologically our bodies are designed to nourish our babies, with our breasts. However, it's not easy. The first few days, weeks and even months are awkward. You spend your nursing session trying to get comfortable with this tiny new baby in your arms. You wonder if you're holding baby in the right position. Is baby getting enough? Is her latch ok? There's a million things running through your mind, you're exhausted, and all this baby wants to do is nurse. 

Luckily, as time goes by, you and baby figure things out. You become comfortable with each other and slowly, but surely breastfeeding becomes your quiet time, your time to bond with and love on your baby. I've often found myself stroking her face softly, staring at every detail of her tiny body and marveling in this tiny miracle. 

Breastfeeding is a journey, and it's not always the easiest one. From the early days of discomfort, to the endless opinionated comments. You'll hear that you should cover while breastfeeding because why would you want to flaunt your breasts for others? You'll hear that you should pump so others can feed your baby. People may comment about how often baby is eating, or even comment on your child's weight. But, eventually, you find your groove, you ignore the comments, you do what works for you and your baby, because, at the end if the day, that's all that matters. 

So, to all the mama's, I support you. Breastfeed exclusively from the breast, or pumped in to bottles, however you choose. If you use donor milk, I support you and the moms like myself that are pumping for your little ones. The moms that weren't able to breastfeed for medical reasons, or maybe you just didn't want to breastfeed, I support you too. There's too much shaming in motherhood and it has to stop. Support each other, love on each other and remember you are not alone. 

I know that one day my own breastfeeding journey with my daughter will end, but today is not that day. So, as I sit here typing this, I have a groggy eyed, breastfeeding baby staring back at me. I will soak her in, I will enjoy every tiny detail, because I want to remember the work we put in to this journey. 

Thank you to Paulina Lana of Paulina Lane photography for the beautiful photos of myself and my little nursling, and for the group shot. These photos are from an empowering mothers photo shoot, where over 20 moms stood side by side and nourished their babies their way.
Check out more of Paulina's work at www.paulinalanephoto.com

Lonely Mama

Over the past few weeks, something has been laid on my heart, and it keeps being shown to me over and over again, and that's friendship. I've never been one to have a lot of really close friends. Yes, I have friends, but I never realized how friendships would change so much once I had a child of my own. I know life gets busy and many of us are constantly being pulled in different directions, but friendship is something everyone needs. You may need that one person for an outlet, someone who can be your sounding board. Or maybe you just need someone who can help you get away and just enjoy yourself. Either way, everyone needs someone. 

Recently, I've felt lonely, just plain lonely. I know I'm blessed and have my sweet little miss to spend my days with, but I still often find myself lonely. I know I am not the only mama who has felt this before. Motherhood can be a lonesome part of life. Please, don't get me wrong, our children are our world and yes, they are wonderful little companions, but there's just something about spending some time with your best girlfriend. I know I often find myself seeking someone to hang out with and often wonder if I'm doing something wrong since I don't have a large group of mommy friends to hang out with. I always tend to remind myself that we are all busy and I don't have to have someone to keep me company or hang out with, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes I yearn for more. I need the companionship of another mama, someone who knows and understands what I'm feeling, without me even having to speak a word. Someone who feels the way I do, who needs that shoulder to cry on, ear to listen, and a smile to know that we are in this together. 

"Today you are you..."

Before becoming mama, I had ideals of how my life would change, how much love I would have, and how watching my baby grow would be the highlight of my life. Little did I know that all of those things would hold true, but they would all be amplified way more than I could have ever anticipated. Over the past month, Little Miss has developed such a personality. She's moved on from being that itty bitty squish that we all love so much, she's now a spunky little thing, that's learned to do some things on her own. She's got the sweetest squeals, giggles and full out belly laughs. And a sassy little temper to go with that pouty lip she's perfected. I never would've believed it would happen so quickly.

When people tell you to hold them close because it passes so quickly, take it to heart! There's no way to cherish every moment, that's just not possible, but hold them close, be present and find joy in life everyday.

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
Dr. Seuss

Self Love

Since becoming mama, there's so many things I've realized that I want to teach my daughter, things I want her to learn on her own and things I hope she never has to experience. Recently, I've been really working on myself. I'm working to be happier, healthier, and find joy in even the mundane daily tasks of life. Through this I hope to teach my daughter that it's ok to be exactly who she is. She doesn't have to impress anyone. God has made us exactly who we are and He has designed us for a purpose.

I pray she grows in confidence and knows that she has the ability to do anything she wants. As women we are often put down in one aspect or another beginning in childhood. I hope my daughter can overlook the negativity and realize she is a strong and powerful female. Her body is an amazing masterpiece and she be respected as so. Her mind is stronger than she knows and I pray she realizes the power her thoughts have over her. Confidence is beauty, and I wish all women knew how strong their bodies are, how powerful the mind is and how beautiful they can be.

Mamas, hold your daughters close and teach them that women are full of strength. Be her role model. Find confidence in yourself. Don't talk down about yourself, especially your body in front of your daughter. She's always watching and she's learning from you. Teach her how beautiful and strong your body is, so she can see that hers is the same. Show her how powerful your mind is, so she knows that she too possesses the same power in thinking. And always keep her close to show her women can and should empower one another.

"Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your daughters."

-January Harshe

Things are ever changing

You're constantly growing bigger and bigger, learning new things and gaining independence. Your life has been so full of "firsts" and I know there's many many more "firsts" to come. Watching you and your reactions brightens even the darkest of days. Viewing life through your eyes is exciting and innocent. 

Recently, you had your first taste of solid food and boy was that an experience. As we've done for several of your "firsts", we set the camera up and snapped away as you had your first taste. Carrots. You went from opening up for more to giving us the most disgusted little face ever. You weren't sure what to think. 

Watching these "firsts" brings about so many emotions. It's difficult to explain. At one moment, excitement takes over and you look forward to each new milestone and watching your little one grow up, the next, you're fighting back tears wondering how in the world your baby is growing up so quickly. I'll admit, as a mom who exclusively breast fed for over 6 months, starting solids was difficult. Watching the reaction and facial expressions was priceless, but I also had to come to terms with the fact that little miss is no longer 100% nourished from my body. I've realized I'll be doing a lot of that as she grows up and learns to care for herself and that's ok, it's all part of being a mom. All of these moments will one day just be memories. Slow down, take pictures, it's all happening so quickly, you'll want something to look back on.