Saturday, October 22, 2016

A single burning flame. I run my fingers over the scars on my tummy and my heart longs for you. I wonder who you would be. The days have gotten easier, but it's a pain that will never be erased. Dear angel, you left a footprint in our lives, one that we will never forget. I like talking about you, I find a sense of joy in sharing our story with other grieving mothers and pray they too feel comfortable to share their story.

Dear reader, you see, it's not a talked about topic in our society. Pregnancy and infant loss tend to be a taboo subject and that's not okay. If you lose a grandparent or other adult family member, people are quick to pay their condolences, talk about memories and the person they were. When it's a pregnancy or infant loss, people are afraid to talk. What do I say? Will I say the wrong thing? What if the mother breaks down sobbing? We get it, we do understand, many of us have stood in your shoes before. It's not your fault, it's how we were taught and conditioned to function regarding this topic. Some don't cherish the unborn life, but for mothers who lose that life, they know just how much it meant. For many, the moment they see two pink lines, they become a mother, they have a baby. We mothers dream to hold that baby growing in our womb, and sadly that doesn't always happen. Some hold their babies, but don't get to take them home. Others take them home, but they don't get to stay. Please don't shut us grieving mothers out of your life, don't be afraid of us, or try to skip through a conversation. We are human, grieving humans, hurting humans, just like anyone who has lost a loved one. Treat us as so. Don't hesitate to bring up the baby, many times we want to talk, but feel we don't have an outlet. We have no one, so emotions and feelings tend to be bottled up and pushed below the surface until we have a moment alone where we feel comfortable to express feelings. We shouldn't have to hide our grief. We shouldn't have to wait to cry in the shower so no one will see. We should be empowered and feel comfortable in telling you our story. Help break the stigma surrounding pregnancy and infant loss, let us talk, don't be afraid to listen. We all have a story.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

I've been watching you, watching you grow up right before my very eyes. I've seen the struggles you've gone through in learning to adjust with each new phase. I too have struggled. I've rejoiced as you've hit new milestones, each and every one of them. I've seen the joy in your eyes when you discover a new task as well. The joy sometimes over takes you and leaves us both in a fit of giggles. You are my silly Little Miss! So much personality feels you up and I would never change a thing. You are full of life, full of so much sass and attitude, but at the end of the day you are my (almost) two year old and I love every ounce of the being you are becoming. 
These two years haven't always been Sunshine and unicorns. We have cried. We have shown anger. We have had days where our personalities just aren't meshing quite right. However, at the end of each day, when you ask for me, "mommy milk", my heart overflows. When we curl up together as you nurse and drift off to sleep I'm overcome with emotions. I find myself wishing this stage could last forever, that you could fit in my arms and need me to hold you each night, but I know the days are dwindling. You soon will outgrow this need. Soon those nursing snuggles, will turn to a book and a hug, and before I know it you will be putting yourself to bed. I don't wish these days to pass, but they are and we have no control over the time. I promise you that I am cherishing these last weeks of you being our only baby here on earth. I promise that even when I'm dealing with my own set of pregnancy and breastfeeding emotions, I still care about you, I still love you, and you will always be my baby.