So, now I'm faced with family and friends finding out. I'm ok with it. It's life and sometimes life throws a curve ball that quite literally hits you right in the gut. And it hurts, it's cruel, but some how we move on. People have been so kind and I know they mean well, but it's so hard to not burst in to tears when they ask how I am. I'm hurting. Period. That's it. I'm hurting so bad. Then comes the dreaded question, were you trying? Like if we weren't trying would the pain hurt less? Would I not have loved that baby as much? No, so what's the point. Small talk? Why does loss have to be so hard to talk about, such an awkward thing for people to just understand. I just want a hug and an I am here for you. No need to tell me you can relate or that at least you still have a chance of having another baby in the future. Those aren't things I need. I need time, time to hurt, time to mourn, time to cope, time to heal, time to realize that my life will still go on and I have a beautiful daughter who teaches me every single day what true joy in life is.
10/22/14 I left the hospital with newborn baby Lana.
10/22/15 I left that same hospital without my baby.