Sometimes it is the little things in life. It's the way my Little Miss has started calling me "Mommy" instead of "Mama." It's the was her hair gets even more curly as the day wears on, as the humidity tightens up those adorable curls.
Currently, I am sitting here alone, looking through pictures we have recently taken of her, and I can't help but wonder where has my baby gone? Who is the curly headed, independent, sassy little thing, and when did she show up? Where have the days gone? Months? Even years? She is not quite two , but my how the time has passed. One day I held a wrinkly little baby in my arms and the next, she is running circles around me, driving me WILD, yet filling my heart with more love each and every day. She is teaching me, and I am learning. I am teaching her, and she is learning.
Funny how this life works, we spend many of our days wishing for the next thing in life. Maybe it's wishing for Friday, your next big vacation, your child to grow out of "this" phase, or maybe it's just an afternoon nap that's calling your name. So many of us, myself included find it hard to just sit, slow down, breathe in each precious breath, and be truly thankful for that very moment of our existence. Run your fingers across that newborn baby skin, lingering and packing away those memories of how soft, yet strong their little body is. Chase that toddler across the play ground one last time before calling it quits and saying it is time to go. Maybe for once, just give in to their begging and pleading to slide just once more. Listen to the laughter of you child(ren) as they play contentedly, knowing their hearts are so full of joy. Soak in these moment, take a deep breath in and realize that soon, very soon everything that you are facing, the good, the bad, the light and dark is all going to fade away. One day all that will be left are the memories and the wondering of where time has gone. Find beauty in each day, even the hard ones, God will always provide something beautiful for you. Hug a little tighter, love a little stronger, and breathe a little deeper, because one day all we will have are the memories.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Finding joy. Joy has been a huge struggle for me this pregnancy. From the moment we found out our family would be growing again, my mind was filled was worry, anxiety, stress, and deep down in there somewhere I was happy. I'll never forget laying on the ultrasound table and hearing that tiny little heartbeat. The heartbeat of my perfectly healthy baby. I broke down. The emotions of being pregnant after a loss have been more than I would have ever imagined. I found myself in yet another whirlwind. How could I find joy in this pregnancy when I was supposed to be pregnant with my other baby!? My baby who never had a chance. How was my heart supposed to fill with joy at the thought of enduring pregnancy and bringing a child earth side when deep down I was still hurting? Please don't get me wrong, I WAS happy, but happiness is just an emotion, a temporary emotion that can range from contentment to extremes pleasure. Happiness wasn't supposed to be what I was feeling. I longed for joy! Joy is not an emotion, joy is an attitude of the heart, more of a permanent state. I begged and pleaded for unwavering joy, to have a heart overflowing. Yet, I found myself so bogged down, having rushed myself through the stages of grief. I was simply just okay. Okay with life moving on, okay with the pain, just okay.
I'm slowly learning that I can be joyful during this pregnancy. It's more than okay to allow my God to remove my pain, my heartache and replace my heart with joy! Oh the joy I've been longing for!