Friday, July 15, 2016

I haven't blogged much lately, especially since the loss. I'll be honest, I've just felt run down and a bit tapped out. I've struggled finding joy in the everyday. Loss is so hard and I was quick to push myself through the grieving process. I just wanted life to continue on and be "normal" again, and for many it was. I just couldn't get myself over that hurdle. Then came the news in March that we had another baby on the way. As excited as I was, my fear and anxiety outweighed that excitement 10 to 1. I dreaded the summer months coming up, knowing that as my due date with our little angel approached, that bandage that I haphazardly slapped over my heart would be ripped off and I would still have an open wound. Boy, was that an understatement. July rolled around and I wanted to break down and cry at everything, anything, just give me the opportunity to let my guard down and I wanted to let the emotions roll. Happily, thankfully, I did. Obviously, the exploding bottle technique wasn't the best option, but sometimes that cap just can't stay on any longer. 
Since then, I still find myself feeling saddened, feeling hurt and somewhat betrayed at the fact that I should have been holding a newborn baby (or very close to holding one). Yet, here I found myself almost midway through another pregnancy, trying my best not to get too attached for the fear of losing another. I found myself drowning in my own misery, my own grief, my own heartache. 
A beautiful God thing happened, on the exact day of when my angel would have been due, I felt our tiny rainbow baby kick for the first time. To me, it felt like a sign from God that all is going to be ok and that no matter how alone I feel in all of this, He has me. He has been holding me this whole time! I just have to let go of all my hurting, let Him heal my wounds. These lyrics to a song by Plumb have resonated with me for so long and they are so perfect for anytime in our lives when we are feeling burdened, hurt, or just plain worn out. 

      "Just let go let His love wrap around you
                          And hold you close
                     Get lost in the surrender
           Breathe it in until your heart breaks
                                 Then exhale
For me, I am realizing that life will indeed go on and I can too! Gods timing is always perfect, He keeps His promises to us and will never forsake us.