Friday, July 21, 2017

In a nut shell....

When it wins, it really wins. The house calls my name, I long to remain within those walls of comfort. They don't judge. They sit quietly, just doing their job. Leaving seems like a ridiculous feat. One that would likely be rewarding, but the thought of getting dressed, ready and looking halfway decent seems an impossible task. Am I making excuses? Do I really not want to go? Or do I really not feel like going?
Then joining in on the party is anxiety. When I go out, I have to be in front of people. People will look at me. What will they think? What if I panic in public? What if I don't meet expectations? What if....? Those what if's could flow for pages and pages. 

Tuesday, July 18, 2017


Some days this is what it looks like for me. 

It's isolating. It's dark. It makes me feel like my world is caving in. Life is crashing all around me like ominous waves in the midst of a stormy ocean. I just want to scream for help, for someone to grab my hand and pull me up. In the same breath, I just want to curl up in a dimly lit room and be alone. I want so badly to go out and do things with friends, with or without kids in tow. I want to be social and friendly. I want to be myself, unafraid of what people may say or think about me. I want to feel the presence of friendship, the joy in fellowship, the warmth of someone. I fight the battle daily. Every morning I would prefer to lay in bed. Find something to keep the kids occupied and not have to face the day. Some days we get up and get moving. Others I take my time and find myself isolating. The longing to be alone calls so strongly to me. I have control, I know I do, but some days, depression wins.