Friday, December 30, 2016
I see you, I promise that mommy still sees you. You are my girl, my baby and the first one to call me mommy. I know these early days and weeks will be rough, we are all adjusting and I see you trying your best to figure out how you fit in with this new normal of having a sibling. I see you struggle baby and my heart breaks for you. I want to reach out and hug you so many times during the day. Most of those times I do, while sometimes I'm busy holding and nursing your brother. You've been such a big girl in helping me and loving on your brother, but I see your needs too. I see how you react when your brother needs a little more care and attention than you do. My heart longs to just hold you in those moments. I'm adjusting too, I'm trying my best to be there for you and your brother both. You both need me, often in different ways and I want to be able to stretch myself for you both. I know I fail, but I'm learning sweet girl, mommy is trying! I'm tearing up as I type this while nursing your brother in the early hours of the morning, because I know you are in the other room wanting me as well. I hear you. I see you. I am here for you my girl. We are in this together. It's an adjustment and we are both doing all we can. So baby girl, when you need to cry, cry. When you need to feel mad, be mad. When you want to laugh and tickle your brother, do it. I pray you don't hold back, I need my sunshine baby to shine her brightest.
Monday, December 26, 2016
You came in to this world and forever changed me. You are everything I never knew I needed. I look at you and realize there's always been a place in my heart for you. There's always been a love there just waiting for you to take. I watch you as you sleep and silently cry to myself. I look at you and realize every pain I felt, every emotional breakdown I had, the loss, they all brought you to me. God indeed always has a plan and His timing is perfect. The hard times I endured over the past year, were all setting up my life to make space for you. I want to hold you as much as I did your sister, cuddle you in my arms as you nurse and drift off into a sleeping slumber. Stare in to your eyes and wonder at what you are thinking and who you will grow to be. I pray for you, my son. I pray you find joy in life and always remember where you came from. You've forever changed my world and I pray I can be the mom you need.
Monday, December 19, 2016
I was already mama, Little Miss made sure of that, but we were anxiously waiting to find out another Little would be on the way. In late March we got the news that another miracle was growing inside of me!
This pregnancy flew by, it was filled with emotions, since this little babe would be our rainbow! The weeks passed and the pregnancy was going wonderfully. At 20 weeks we found out our rainbow would be a boy and he looked just perfect! Things were smooth sailing aside from breech presentation at 28 weeks, but Little Man had flipped head down by 34 weeks!
As our estimated delivery date approached, I was prepared just as I was the first time for the day to come and go. It did. We saw December 10, 2016 pass and here I was still pregnant. There's something so exciting for me about reaching 40 weeks! Though with my hormones raging and having a two year old I was ready to be done with pregnancy and have our little man home with us!
If you haven't heard of the restaurant in Atlanta called Scalini's, google it. They claim their eggplant parmigiana will put you in labor. I joked about needing to eat it when pregnant with Lana, but never did. This time I found where they shared their recipe online and thought just for fun we would make it.
December 14 (40 weeks 4 days pregnant): I woke up with some signs that labor may be coming in the next few days! Though I was totally preparing myself to go past 41 weeks. My mom and I spent the late afternoon preparing this eggplant parmigiana and joking about how it funny it would be if I really did go in to labor after eating it.
Around 11pm that night I started having some cramps, granted I had been cramping off and on for almost two weeks, so nothing new. I did text my doula and photographer to let them know that if anything picked up, I'd be calling.
December 15, 2016 (40 weeks 5 days pregnant): I took a shower and climbed in bed around midnight. The cramping had gotten stronger, there was no way I could sleep. I got up around 1am and decided I'd lay over my birth ball and just sway through the contractions. Shortly before 1:30am, I called Tyler who was asleep upstairs and asked him to just come sit with me so I wasn't alone. He was downstairs and rubbing my back in a matter of minutes. I decided this may actually be labor getting started and figured I was in for a long night/morning. A little after 1:30am, Tyler called my mom to ask her to head our way. Before she arrived I thought I would go get in a warm bath to see if it slowed the contractions or eased them. I still wasn't 100% sure it was labor. They hurt, they were regular but everything seemed to be moving so quickly! At 2:00am, we called my doula, Lisa Maddux. She arrived to the house around 2:30am. She came up to our bedroom where I was taking one contraction at a time by leaning over the bed so I could squat and sway. After Lisa heard/saw me through a couple of contractions she said we should probably head on to the hospital now. My mind couldn't grasp that, contractions had just started. I had my mom call our photographer, Heather Dimsdale so she could head our way. I really wanted labor pictures with our Christmas tree in the background. I told Lisa I wasn't sure if I was ready to go to the hospital and asked if I could maybe walk around for a few minutes. By the time I made it down the stairs, I said I was ready. Things were moving so quickly compared to the birth of Little Miss. Everything felt so different! I had little to no back pain and was feeling every contraction very low in my abdomen. A few minutes after 3:00am we were in the car and headed to the hospital. We made a phone call to my friend Stacey who was going to be attending the birth as well. Stacey and Heather met us at the hospital. We all arrived around 3:30am. I was pushed through admissions quickly and put in my room. As we walked in the room, I instantly felt emotional as I realized it was the very same room I delivered Lana in. Our nurse, Nadine was amazing! She never once pushed me and she allowed me to move around while she monitored myself and Tucker for a few minutes. It was probably close to 4:00am when Nadine checked me and said I was 4-5cm and 80% effaced. I thought to myself that we arrived at the hospital to early, and now I was stuck laboring here. The intensity of the contractions was pretty high and I was not sure how I would continue to cope. Tyler lightly rubbed my back with each contraction and it made such a difference for me. I continued to labor, walking around the room and allowing my body to guide me. My labor playlist was playing music in the back ground and I was working on finding my zone. As the intensity of contractions picked up, I could feel them surging in my lower abdomen. Pain mixed with pleasure, I knew each one brought me a step closer to meeting my son. I had my affirmations sheet in front of me, beautifully colored with a lotus and rainbow. Words written such as, ease, open, breathe. Statements like I enjoy the birth of my baby, I open, I relax, I breathe my baby down. These words kept me sane, they kept me in my zone. Sometime after 5:00am, the on call OB came in and decided to check me to make sure baby was head down, since we had issues with him flipping breech earlier in the pregnancy. My immediate thought was I could end up in the or, this could be it. I allowed him to check me. He said I was 5cm and 100% effaced. And that yes, baby was head down!! I could have easily been discouraged that I hadn't dilated, but I chose to find joy in the fact that I was completely thinned out, meaning my cervix would dilate more easily. By this time, my OB had been notified, much thanks to one of my nurse friends. He was planning on coming in to deliver this baby! The on call OB had stepped out for a few moments and I was in a semi squat, leaning over the foot of the bed to cope with contractions. At around 5:45am, I felt a pop and a huge gush of fluid, my water had broken. I looked at my doula who was playing a more hands off role, since my husband was my main physical support this time and I told her I needed her. I needed her to be close to me. There's something about the presence of another woman when you're in labor, especially one who knows you and has labored with you before. The contractions became so intense, I thought at only 5cm that there was no way I could continue coping with these contractions. The intensity was out of this world. My body felt foreign to me as I surrendered to the waves. I swayed, I bounced, I squatted and allowed my body to open. I became loud, allowing primal instincts to take over as I was washed away with each wave of contraction. I found a rhythm and continued to go with it. Though the ritual I followed with each contraction was not for sensitive ears. I found myself yelling, loudly, words that are not usually a part of my vocabulary. My body was not my own, it had been over taken by hormones inducing wave after wave of contractions that swept me away. My OB, Dr. Leigh came in shortly before 6:00am and offered to check me. I said no, not yet. There was no way I could allow the disappointment of no progress to hit me again. Within minutes of him walking out the door, I yelled wanting him to come back and check. I began feeling pressure during contractions , but nothing between. Without control, I began pushing while squatting on the floor, I still wasn't sure what was happening. Had it really happened so fast? Was I trying to push against a cervix that wasn't fully dilated? I needed to be checked, I needed to know! At about 6:05am, I, with every ounce of energy left in my body climbed on to the bed on my hands and knees. I looked my doula in the face and said I want the epidural, I need it. She laughed and rolled her eyes, then told me no you don't, plus it's to late. This is our relationship, she knew that wasn't me talking, that was pain, that was exhaustion, that was end of labor doubt. Dr. Leigh was preparing to check me as the instinct took over, I had no control, I was pushing. When he went to check our Little Man's head was right there. He told me with one more push we would have a baby! With two more pushes on my hands and knees, and some adjusting by Dr. Leigh, my baby entered the world at 6:12am. They allowed the cord to stop pulsating, as I collapsed face down in to the bed. Tyler cut the cord and I was able to turn over on to my back and hold my sweet baby boy for the first time! He was perfect, absolutely perfect! He latched on and began nursing within 15 minutes of birth and nursed off and on for over an hour. The labor was intense, it was quick, but having that boy laid on my chest made every contraction, every ounce of pain and emotion beyond worth it. The adrenaline post birth was out of this world, my body was shaking, I had no control, but my Little Man was here and I had just experienced a crazy intense labor and my world was complete.