Monday, December 21, 2015

It's so incredibly hard to believe Christmas is just a few short days away. I've been looking forward to this Christmas. It's going to be our first where Little Miss is more aware of what's going on. She's going to be a blast with all of the paper and boxes floating around the living room. I can't wait to see the joy on her face Christmas morning. I've been looking forward to spending time with family, seeing those who we don't see often enough. Yet, I've found myself not really feeling the Christmas spirit. Isn't this supposed to be the happiest time of year? The time when we are full of joy? My heart has been heavy, hurting with loss, disappointment, and well, just hurting. We are all entitled to those days, right? This past year, we've had so many ups and so many downs. We've experienced the hardest loss we have ever faced as a family. We have had dreams crushed, yet, we know our God is sovereign, our God is in control, and He has a plan for our lives. He holds us even in the darkest times. He comforts us when we feel as if no one else is there. He promises us that He has a plan. Sometimes we just have to let Him hold us, carry us and trust that He is in control, even when the world around us is crumbling down. 

Just today, I was driving around town with such a heavy heart. I kept trying to figure out how I got to this place, where did I go wrong, what could I have done differently. As I'm questioning myself, I catch a glimpse of the most angelic sleeping face that I have ever seen. Oh sweet Little Miss, you are a constant reminder to me that God has His own perfect reasoning, His own perfect timing and we don't have to understand why. We just have to surf the waves with Him. We have to step out on faith and trust that our God will keep us afloat. 

I'm always being reminded to hug those who are there for you unconditionally just a bit tighter, let the kisses linger, and don't be afraid to tell them how much they truly mean...especially this Christmas. You don't always know what someone else is going through, but you can always be the shining light they may need. 

1 comment:

Elizabeth Powell said...

As I read your post, in a way I can relate to how you are feeling. Though I never physically lost a child I have carried, I do feel that I have lost so much. I feel that I have lost the opportunity to see that plus sign on the pregnancy stick, to see that first ultra sign to confirm a positive test, to feel those kicks, sleepless nights, body pains, going through labor pains and feeling a child, my child that I birth on my chest. Like you, I questioned God alot. I wonder why year after year he deny me the opportunity to experience the one thing I have always wanted--a child, my child. I wondered what was wrong with me. Was I too ugly, too fat, too stupid but yet I haven't gotten any answers. I sit and listen to women discuss their pregnancies and exchange baby pictures while deep down I want to cry but I don't want to rain on their parade so I just keep a smile on my face. I say all this to say that, though you can't get the little one you lost, know that you are blessed to have gotten the opportunity to shared that little angel even for a small time. No, Iam not saying you arent allowed to grieve your loss, but I just wanted to show another side...maybe just a small explanation..though I Dont have the answers as to another way to look at things. Though I wouldn't want to experience that loss but for me that loss would mean that my body actually did what it was designed for. I often asked why did God make me a girl instead of a boy. At least not being able to conceive wouldn't be so painful. Enjoy every moment that you get to experience because there are women like me who will never get to know what it's like to know what a positive pregnancy test will look like. Please know that this post wasn't by anyway to make you feel bad or anything but like you this is just a different way to look at things.