I'm slowly learning that I can be joyful during this pregnancy. It's more than okay to allow my God to remove my pain, my heartache and replace my heart with joy! Oh the joy I've been longing for!
Monday, September 5, 2016
Finding joy. Joy has been a huge struggle for me this pregnancy. From the moment we found out our family would be growing again, my mind was filled was worry, anxiety, stress, and deep down in there somewhere I was happy. I'll never forget laying on the ultrasound table and hearing that tiny little heartbeat. The heartbeat of my perfectly healthy baby. I broke down. The emotions of being pregnant after a loss have been more than I would have ever imagined. I found myself in yet another whirlwind. How could I find joy in this pregnancy when I was supposed to be pregnant with my other baby!? My baby who never had a chance. How was my heart supposed to fill with joy at the thought of enduring pregnancy and bringing a child earth side when deep down I was still hurting? Please don't get me wrong, I WAS happy, but happiness is just an emotion, a temporary emotion that can range from contentment to extremes pleasure. Happiness wasn't supposed to be what I was feeling. I longed for joy! Joy is not an emotion, joy is an attitude of the heart, more of a permanent state. I begged and pleaded for unwavering joy, to have a heart overflowing. Yet, I found myself so bogged down, having rushed myself through the stages of grief. I was simply just okay. Okay with life moving on, okay with the pain, just okay.