Sometimes it is the little things in life.  It's the way my Little Miss has started calling me "Mommy" instead of "Mama."  It's the was her hair gets even more curly as the day wears on, as the humidity tightens up those adorable curls.
Currently, I am sitting here alone, looking through pictures we have recently taken of her, and I can't help but wonder where has my baby gone?  Who is the curly headed, independent, sassy little thing, and when did she show up?  Where have the days gone? Months? Even years?  She is not quite two , but my how the time has passed.  One day I held a wrinkly little baby in my arms and the next, she is running circles around me, driving me WILD, yet filling my heart with more love each and every day.  She is teaching me, and I am learning.  I am teaching her, and she is learning.
Funny how this life works, we spend many of our days wishing for the next thing in life.  Maybe it's wishing for Friday, your next big vacation, your child to grow out of  "this" phase, or maybe it's just an afternoon nap that's calling your name.  So many of us, myself included find it hard to just sit, slow down, breathe in each precious breath, and be truly thankful for that very moment of our existence.  Run your fingers across that newborn baby skin, lingering and packing away those memories of how soft, yet strong their little body is.  Chase that toddler across the play ground one last time before calling it quits and saying it is time to go.  Maybe for once, just give in to their begging and pleading to slide just once more.  Listen to the laughter of you child(ren) as they play contentedly, knowing their hearts are so full of joy.  Soak in these moment, take a deep breath in and realize that soon, very soon everything that you are facing, the good, the bad, the light and dark is all going to fade away.  One day all that will be left are the memories and the wondering of where time has gone.  Find beauty in each day, even the hard ones, God will always provide something beautiful for you.  Hug a little tighter, love a little stronger, and breathe a little deeper, because one day all we will have are the memories.

Finding joy. Joy has been a huge struggle for me this pregnancy. From the moment we found out our family would be growing again, my mind was filled was worry, anxiety, stress, and deep down in there somewhere I was happy. I'll never forget laying on the ultrasound table and hearing that tiny little heartbeat. The heartbeat of my perfectly healthy baby. I broke down. The emotions of being pregnant after a loss have been more than I would have ever imagined. I found myself in yet another whirlwind. How could I find joy in this pregnancy when I was supposed to be pregnant with my other baby!? My baby who never had a chance. How was my heart supposed to fill with joy at the thought of enduring pregnancy and bringing a child earth side when deep down I was still hurting? Please don't get me wrong, I WAS happy, but happiness is just an emotion, a temporary emotion that can range from contentment to extremes pleasure. Happiness wasn't supposed to be what I was feeling. I longed for joy! Joy is not an emotion, joy is an attitude of the heart, more of a permanent state. I begged and pleaded for unwavering joy, to have a heart overflowing. Yet, I found myself so bogged down, having rushed myself through the stages of grief. I was simply just okay. Okay with life moving on, okay with the pain, just okay. 

I'm slowly learning that I can be joyful during this pregnancy. It's more than okay to allow my God to remove my pain, my heartache and replace my heart with joy! Oh the joy I've been longing for! 

• Jeremiah 31:13 (HCSB) — I will turn their mourning into joy. . . and bring happiness out of grief.

Do you take time to refuel yourself as a mother? This is something I encourage other mothers to do. I feel taking time to refuel yourself will in turn build you to be a stronger mother and wife. So often mothers get lost in motherhood, while its a beautiful place to be, motherhood wears on you, if you let it. As easily as I can talk to other mothers about taking time for themselves, I've realized I never take time for me. Twenty-two months of being mommy and I'm so lost in motherhood. I could not tell you the last time I went and did something just for myself, just because I needed it. My life has been centered around what my Little Miss needs, what my husband needs, and in the midst of the beautiful chaos, I've somehow lost myself. I look in the mirror and see a woman who is strong, yet so weak; beautiful, yet totally ragged; thriving, yet so worn down. Today it really, I mean REALLY hit me, I haven't been refueling myself, at all. I've lost who I am amongst the piles of clothes to be washed, diapers to folded, floors to be swept, and dishes to be put away. I need an intervention! I need to teach myself how to slow down, take time and reenergize myself. How will I continue to go on being a strong mother, a supportive wife, if I can't take time to fuel my body, mind, spirit? I vow to myself and to my little family that this mama is going to start taking some time to refuel, regroup, find herself and restrengthen myself for the betterment of my family. 

What do you do for you?

I haven't blogged much lately, especially since the loss. I'll be honest, I've just felt run down and a bit tapped out. I've struggled finding joy in the everyday. Loss is so hard and I was quick to push myself through the grieving process. I just wanted life to continue on and be "normal" again, and for many it was. I just couldn't get myself over that hurdle. Then came the news in March that we had another baby on the way. As excited as I was, my fear and anxiety outweighed that excitement 10 to 1. I dreaded the summer months coming up, knowing that as my due date with our little angel approached, that bandage that I haphazardly slapped over my heart would be ripped off and I would still have an open wound. Boy, was that an understatement. July rolled around and I wanted to break down and cry at everything, anything, just give me the opportunity to let my guard down and I wanted to let the emotions roll. Happily, thankfully, I did. Obviously, the exploding bottle technique wasn't the best option, but sometimes that cap just can't stay on any longer. 

Since then, I still find myself feeling saddened, feeling hurt and somewhat betrayed at the fact that I should have been holding a newborn baby (or very close to holding one). Yet, here I found myself almost midway through another pregnancy, trying my best not to get too attached for the fear of losing another. I found myself drowning in my own misery, my own grief, my own heartache. 

A beautiful God thing happened, on the exact day of when my angel would have been due, I felt our tiny rainbow baby kick for the first time. To me, it felt like a sign from God that all is going to be ok and that no matter how alone I feel in all of this, He has me. He has been holding me this whole time! I just have to let go of all my hurting, let Him heal my wounds. These lyrics to a song by Plumb have resonated with me for so long and they are so perfect for anytime in our lives when we are feeling burdened, hurt, or just plain worn out. 

      "Just let go let His love wrap around you

                          And hold you close

                     Get lost in the surrender

           Breathe it in until your heart breaks

                                 Then exhale

                                     Exhale"

For me, I am realizing that life will indeed go on and I can too! Gods timing is always perfect, He keeps His promises to us and will never forsake us. 

My heart still hurts and it always will. While the pain has dulled, it is still present. There is not a day that passes where I don't think about the baby we lost. I imagine how my body would have been changing to accommodate that growing life. I imagine how we would be telling Little Miss all about becoming a big sister. How those tiny movements would feel to me, pressing my growing belly, those movements showing me how full of life this baby in my womb would have been. But none of this is our reality, these are all just figments of my imagination, lingering wishes, hopes and dreams, my prayers. The days have passed, the condolences are no longer spoken, this little life seems to have been forgotten by this world. I know our baby is in a better place, but I can't help but to selfishly want that baby here with me. I don't want this little ones life to have been forgotten. I pray for me sake and others who have lost a child (regardless the gestation or age), that the taboo around discussing loss would disappear. We need to talk, we need others to talk, and to understand that sometimes, maybe, it is okay to not be okay.

Plumb "Exhale"

"It's okay to not be okay

This is a safe place

This is a safe place

Don't be afraid

Don't be ashamed

There's still hope here

There's still hope here

No matter what you've done or who you are

Everyone is welcome in His arms

Just let go let His love wrap around you

And hold you close

Get lost in the surrender

Breathe it in until your heart breaks

Then exhale

exhale...."

It's hard to believe this year is coming to a close. I feel like 2015 just began. 

As a family, we have been through so much, grown so much, and learned to surf the waves of life. 

I entered 2015 in such a fog. A new mom, covered in breastmilk, spit up, unwashed hair, rocking nursing tanks and pajama pants. A new mom who was still in those hazy early days of figuring out how this new mom life would be, searching for our new normal, and just praying to make it through the day in one piece. 

I've grown, I've learned to live unashamed of who I am, of who God created me to be. I've loved, lived bigger, and trusted in where my life is going. God has been so good to us this year, through the ups and downs. He has taught us to lean on Him, let Him carry us, and that sometimes, we just have to step out blindly on faith and trust that He has us. We've learned that loss hurts, it hurts so bad. Through losing our precious angel baby, we've also learned that the pain of loss will never go away, but it does numb. And it's okay to have bad days, but that we don't have to remain in that place. God has shown us that by leaning on Him, we can grieve our loss, and keep going. I've learned that it's okay for my faith to be shaken, but that I can stand strong knowing that God has a plan for my life. 

We've been shown through a tiny human being what earthly love is. There is no love like the love God has for us, but this tiny one has shown us a real love as well. She's tried us, scared us, loved us, laughed at us, with us, cried, and grown so much over this past year. She's taught me what it is to be a mother. Through her, I've learned to trust my motherly instincts, my gut, and that there may not be an instruction book for being a mom, but together we can navigate through each day. 

I've learned that friendship is so important, but it's so hard. We all find it so easy to make an excuse about how busy our days are, how busy life is, then the days go by, the year grows short, and you realize it's been weeks, even months since you last spoke or saw one another. I hope to learn to slow down, build relationships, friendships that will grow and become more intimate. Friendships that benefit us in multiple ways. Friendships that will last a lifetime, through the good and the bad. 

Family has taught me so much as well. We are constantly in each other's lives, we can't pick and choose who family is. We may not always get along, heck some days we may not even like each other and that's ok. But, we always know that when needed, they will be there. 

I pray 2016 brings us all a year of growth, of joy, and of pure unending love. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

It's so incredibly hard to believe Christmas is just a few short days away. I've been looking forward to this Christmas. It's going to be our first where Little Miss is more aware of what's going on. She's going to be a blast with all of the paper and boxes floating around the living room. I can't wait to see the joy on her face Christmas morning. I've been looking forward to spending time with family, seeing those who we don't see often enough. Yet, I've found myself not really feeling the Christmas spirit. Isn't this supposed to be the happiest time of year? The time when we are full of joy? My heart has been heavy, hurting with loss, disappointment, and well, just hurting. We are all entitled to those days, right? This past year, we've had so many ups and so many downs. We've experienced the hardest loss we have ever faced as a family. We have had dreams crushed, yet, we know our God is sovereign, our God is in control, and He has a plan for our lives. He holds us even in the darkest times. He comforts us when we feel as if no one else is there. He promises us that He has a plan. Sometimes we just have to let Him hold us, carry us and trust that He is in control, even when the world around us is crumbling down. 

Just today, I was driving around town with such a heavy heart. I kept trying to figure out how I got to this place, where did I go wrong, what could I have done differently. As I'm questioning myself, I catch a glimpse of the most angelic sleeping face that I have ever seen. Oh sweet Little Miss, you are a constant reminder to me that God has His own perfect reasoning, His own perfect timing and we don't have to understand why. We just have to surf the waves with Him. We have to step out on faith and trust that our God will keep us afloat. 

I'm always being reminded to hug those who are there for you unconditionally just a bit tighter, let the kisses linger, and don't be afraid to tell them how much they truly mean...especially this Christmas. You don't always know what someone else is going through, but you can always be the shining light they may need.