A single burning flame. I run my fingers over the scars on my tummy and my heart longs for you. I wonder who you would be. The days have gotten easier, but it's a pain that will never be erased. Dear angel, you left a footprint in our lives, one that we will never forget. I like talking about you, I find a sense of joy in sharing our story with other grieving mothers and pray they too feel comfortable to share their story.




Dear reader, you see, it's not a talked about topic in our society. Pregnancy and infant loss tend to be a taboo subject and that's not okay. If you lose a grandparent or other adult family member, people are quick to pay their condolences, talk about memories and the person they were. When it's a pregnancy or infant loss, people are afraid to talk. What do I say? Will I say the wrong thing? What if the mother breaks down sobbing? We get it, we do understand, many of us have stood in your shoes before. It's not your fault, it's how we were taught and conditioned to function regarding this topic. Some don't cherish the unborn life, but for mothers who lose that life, they know just how much it meant. For many, the moment they see two pink lines, they become a mother, they have a baby. We mothers dream to hold that baby growing in our womb, and sadly that doesn't always happen. Some hold their babies, but don't get to take them home. Others take them home, but they don't get to stay. Please don't shut us grieving mothers out of your life, don't be afraid of us, or try to skip through a conversation. We are human, grieving humans, hurting humans, just like anyone who has lost a loved one. Treat us as so. Don't hesitate to bring up the baby, many times we want to talk, but feel we don't have an outlet. We have no one, so emotions and feelings tend to be bottled up and pushed below the surface until we have a moment alone where we feel comfortable to express feelings. We shouldn't have to hide our grief. We shouldn't have to wait to cry in the shower so no one will see. We should be empowered and feel comfortable in telling you our story. Help break the stigma surrounding pregnancy and infant loss, let us talk, don't be afraid to listen. We all have a story.

I've been watching you, watching you grow up right before my very eyes. I've seen the struggles you've gone through in learning to adjust with each new phase. I too have struggled. I've rejoiced as you've hit new milestones, each and every one of them. I've seen the joy in your eyes when you discover a new task as well. The joy sometimes over takes you and leaves us both in a fit of giggles. You are my silly Little Miss! So much personality feels you up and I would never change a thing. You are full of life, full of so much sass and attitude, but at the end of the day you are my (almost) two year old and I love every ounce of the being you are becoming. 

These two years haven't always been Sunshine and unicorns. We have cried. We have shown anger. We have had days where our personalities just aren't meshing quite right. However, at the end of each day, when you ask for me, "mommy milk", my heart overflows. When we curl up together as you nurse and drift off to sleep I'm overcome with emotions. I find myself wishing this stage could last forever, that you could fit in my arms and need me to hold you each night, but I know the days are dwindling. You soon will outgrow this need. Soon those nursing snuggles, will turn to a book and a hug, and before I know it you will be putting yourself to bed. I don't wish these days to pass, but they are and we have no control over the time. I promise you that I am cherishing these last weeks of you being our only baby here on earth. I promise that even when I'm dealing with my own set of pregnancy and breastfeeding emotions, I still care about you, I still love you, and you will always be my baby. 

Sometimes it is the little things in life.  It's the way my Little Miss has started calling me "Mommy" instead of "Mama."  It's the was her hair gets even more curly as the day wears on, as the humidity tightens up those adorable curls.
Currently, I am sitting here alone, looking through pictures we have recently taken of her, and I can't help but wonder where has my baby gone?  Who is the curly headed, independent, sassy little thing, and when did she show up?  Where have the days gone? Months? Even years?  She is not quite two , but my how the time has passed.  One day I held a wrinkly little baby in my arms and the next, she is running circles around me, driving me WILD, yet filling my heart with more love each and every day.  She is teaching me, and I am learning.  I am teaching her, and she is learning.
Funny how this life works, we spend many of our days wishing for the next thing in life.  Maybe it's wishing for Friday, your next big vacation, your child to grow out of  "this" phase, or maybe it's just an afternoon nap that's calling your name.  So many of us, myself included find it hard to just sit, slow down, breathe in each precious breath, and be truly thankful for that very moment of our existence.  Run your fingers across that newborn baby skin, lingering and packing away those memories of how soft, yet strong their little body is.  Chase that toddler across the play ground one last time before calling it quits and saying it is time to go.  Maybe for once, just give in to their begging and pleading to slide just once more.  Listen to the laughter of you child(ren) as they play contentedly, knowing their hearts are so full of joy.  Soak in these moment, take a deep breath in and realize that soon, very soon everything that you are facing, the good, the bad, the light and dark is all going to fade away.  One day all that will be left are the memories and the wondering of where time has gone.  Find beauty in each day, even the hard ones, God will always provide something beautiful for you.  Hug a little tighter, love a little stronger, and breathe a little deeper, because one day all we will have are the memories.

Finding joy. Joy has been a huge struggle for me this pregnancy. From the moment we found out our family would be growing again, my mind was filled was worry, anxiety, stress, and deep down in there somewhere I was happy. I'll never forget laying on the ultrasound table and hearing that tiny little heartbeat. The heartbeat of my perfectly healthy baby. I broke down. The emotions of being pregnant after a loss have been more than I would have ever imagined. I found myself in yet another whirlwind. How could I find joy in this pregnancy when I was supposed to be pregnant with my other baby!? My baby who never had a chance. How was my heart supposed to fill with joy at the thought of enduring pregnancy and bringing a child earth side when deep down I was still hurting? Please don't get me wrong, I WAS happy, but happiness is just an emotion, a temporary emotion that can range from contentment to extremes pleasure. Happiness wasn't supposed to be what I was feeling. I longed for joy! Joy is not an emotion, joy is an attitude of the heart, more of a permanent state. I begged and pleaded for unwavering joy, to have a heart overflowing. Yet, I found myself so bogged down, having rushed myself through the stages of grief. I was simply just okay. Okay with life moving on, okay with the pain, just okay. 

I'm slowly learning that I can be joyful during this pregnancy. It's more than okay to allow my God to remove my pain, my heartache and replace my heart with joy! Oh the joy I've been longing for! 

• Jeremiah 31:13 (HCSB) — I will turn their mourning into joy. . . and bring happiness out of grief.

Do you take time to refuel yourself as a mother? This is something I encourage other mothers to do. I feel taking time to refuel yourself will in turn build you to be a stronger mother and wife. So often mothers get lost in motherhood, while its a beautiful place to be, motherhood wears on you, if you let it. As easily as I can talk to other mothers about taking time for themselves, I've realized I never take time for me. Twenty-two months of being mommy and I'm so lost in motherhood. I could not tell you the last time I went and did something just for myself, just because I needed it. My life has been centered around what my Little Miss needs, what my husband needs, and in the midst of the beautiful chaos, I've somehow lost myself. I look in the mirror and see a woman who is strong, yet so weak; beautiful, yet totally ragged; thriving, yet so worn down. Today it really, I mean REALLY hit me, I haven't been refueling myself, at all. I've lost who I am amongst the piles of clothes to be washed, diapers to folded, floors to be swept, and dishes to be put away. I need an intervention! I need to teach myself how to slow down, take time and reenergize myself. How will I continue to go on being a strong mother, a supportive wife, if I can't take time to fuel my body, mind, spirit? I vow to myself and to my little family that this mama is going to start taking some time to refuel, regroup, find herself and restrengthen myself for the betterment of my family. 

What do you do for you?

I haven't blogged much lately, especially since the loss. I'll be honest, I've just felt run down and a bit tapped out. I've struggled finding joy in the everyday. Loss is so hard and I was quick to push myself through the grieving process. I just wanted life to continue on and be "normal" again, and for many it was. I just couldn't get myself over that hurdle. Then came the news in March that we had another baby on the way. As excited as I was, my fear and anxiety outweighed that excitement 10 to 1. I dreaded the summer months coming up, knowing that as my due date with our little angel approached, that bandage that I haphazardly slapped over my heart would be ripped off and I would still have an open wound. Boy, was that an understatement. July rolled around and I wanted to break down and cry at everything, anything, just give me the opportunity to let my guard down and I wanted to let the emotions roll. Happily, thankfully, I did. Obviously, the exploding bottle technique wasn't the best option, but sometimes that cap just can't stay on any longer. 

Since then, I still find myself feeling saddened, feeling hurt and somewhat betrayed at the fact that I should have been holding a newborn baby (or very close to holding one). Yet, here I found myself almost midway through another pregnancy, trying my best not to get too attached for the fear of losing another. I found myself drowning in my own misery, my own grief, my own heartache. 

A beautiful God thing happened, on the exact day of when my angel would have been due, I felt our tiny rainbow baby kick for the first time. To me, it felt like a sign from God that all is going to be ok and that no matter how alone I feel in all of this, He has me. He has been holding me this whole time! I just have to let go of all my hurting, let Him heal my wounds. These lyrics to a song by Plumb have resonated with me for so long and they are so perfect for anytime in our lives when we are feeling burdened, hurt, or just plain worn out. 

      "Just let go let His love wrap around you

                          And hold you close

                     Get lost in the surrender

           Breathe it in until your heart breaks

                                 Then exhale

                                     Exhale"

For me, I am realizing that life will indeed go on and I can too! Gods timing is always perfect, He keeps His promises to us and will never forsake us. 

My heart still hurts and it always will. While the pain has dulled, it is still present. There is not a day that passes where I don't think about the baby we lost. I imagine how my body would have been changing to accommodate that growing life. I imagine how we would be telling Little Miss all about becoming a big sister. How those tiny movements would feel to me, pressing my growing belly, those movements showing me how full of life this baby in my womb would have been. But none of this is our reality, these are all just figments of my imagination, lingering wishes, hopes and dreams, my prayers. The days have passed, the condolences are no longer spoken, this little life seems to have been forgotten by this world. I know our baby is in a better place, but I can't help but to selfishly want that baby here with me. I don't want this little ones life to have been forgotten. I pray for me sake and others who have lost a child (regardless the gestation or age), that the taboo around discussing loss would disappear. We need to talk, we need others to talk, and to understand that sometimes, maybe, it is okay to not be okay.

Plumb "Exhale"

"It's okay to not be okay

This is a safe place

This is a safe place

Don't be afraid

Don't be ashamed

There's still hope here

There's still hope here

No matter what you've done or who you are

Everyone is welcome in His arms

Just let go let His love wrap around you

And hold you close

Get lost in the surrender

Breathe it in until your heart breaks

Then exhale

exhale...."